Super Squirrel and Friends
by Oh-Hi-I'm-a-Squirrel-LOL
Summary: A crack!fic involving Jake Abel/Adam Milligan, a superhero squirrel, a demented old woman, a naked Alfrdog, and a blind lame cat. You know you want to read it.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Hello everyone. So before you begin you should know that this is, in essence, a crack!fic written by a revolving series of authors from the IMDb Adam!Squad. Yes, there's an Adam!Squad. You should also know that it does turn somewhat SPN related eventually. In this part, even! Enjoy. Oh, and don't flame us, plz. Our fragile hearts can't take it.

On a dark and stormy night, there was a bushy squirrel trying to find a home. But everyone rejected her 'cause she was a squirrel, until she found the house of a kindly old lady named Jordan who was the awesomest person ever.

"Come on into my house," said Jordan. "I have an unfortunate obsession with squirrels, and I'll take care of you!"

The squirrel was a bit apprehensive at the invitation, because through the door he could see the stuffed corpses of his squirrel friends behind Jordan. So, deciding Jordan was clinically insane, he ran away to another house, further down the street from this crazy lady. But Jordan wasn't about to give up on her conquest to complete her civil war stuffed squirrel chess set, so she set off after him.

The squirrel, frightened, ran into a tree while looking behind him, and was knocked unconscious. He awoke, in a daze, tied to a miniature coffee table. Jordan was peering over him as she muttered in a creepy voice that was meant to be soothing, "It's okay. You're with Jordan now…"

"What are you going to do to me?" the squirrel asked, terrified.

"Oh, nothing," Jordan replied, turning around. Scared, the squirrel took this opportunity to try and untie the knots, but the old lady turned around with a cooking pot and the squirrel looked at her, eyes wide with fear.

The old lady looked at him suspiciously, but turned back around. Now the squirrel gnawed his way through the ropes that bound him. Finally he was free, and he ran to the door in hopes of freedom.

He found the door locked. He tried to reach the deadbolt, but couldn't because of his tiny squirrel arms. He glanced behind him and the old lady was bending over to pet her kitty, and the kitty looked over and saw how terrified the little squirrel was.

The squirrel noticed that the kitty only had one eye and no limbs. But that didn't matter, because the squirrel decided to gnaw on the old lady's legs, making her fall into the door and break it down.

Finally.

The squirrel felt sorry for the poor kitty, so helped him to the window where they both escaped.

Lying in the doorway surrounded by the debris of the broken door, the old woman realized she must either be severely overweight or have super-strength to have been able to bust the door down like that. Looking down, the old lady realized that yes, she was severely overweight and she had super-strength. The squirrel and the cat walked over her prone body, scratching her eyes out on the way.

On the way out the door, she realized that possessing super-strength meant she was a superhero. Feeling her way towards the couch while choking on the blood from her gouged eyes, she grabbed a blanket and fashioned a cape out of it. There. Now she was ready.

The squirrel saw this, said, "Screw that!" and revealed himself to be SUPER SQUIRREL.

He tore his fur off and revealed his superhero costume underneath with an SS on his chest. A Jewish man walking nearby saw this and ran off shouting about Nazis.

The old lady set off after Super Squirrel, but due to her blindness, she couldn't see where they were. Super Squirrel snickered and tucked Lame Cat under his arm, because he was a giant.

Lame Cat stared up at Super Squirrel with his one eye. He knew it was insane because he had just met the guy, but he suddenly wished he had proper limbs so that he could use his arms to give him a big, loving hug. Squirrel looked down and was worried by the slightly crazy look in Lame Cat's eye.

Lame Cat saw the concern on Squirrel's face and tried to smile reassuringly, but only managed a sort of grimace. This coupled with the crazy look in his eye caused Squirrel to re-evaluate his decision to rescue the kitty.

But then Lame Cat spoke to him and asked, "What do you plan to do next?"

Super Squirrel, still questioning his decision, said, "We must defeat this evil Jordan character with the gouged out eyes!"

Lame Cat winced at the "gouged out eyes" comment. "What's wrong with not having eyes?" he said, using his only one to glance furtively at SS. If he had limbs, he would have been shuffling his feet self-consciously in the dirt.

"Oh, n-nothing," SS replied, feeling super awkward. "Let's just forget that part. We have to defeat that crazy broad. There."

"Crazy?" Lame Cat repeated, his remaining eye twitching furiously.

"Hells bells, Lamey," Squirrel said, rolling his eyes. They were flying, a point not previously mentioned, and Squirrel loosened his grip, "accidentally" making Lame Cat plummet 100 feet, safely onto a trampoline.

A little girl who was jumping on the trampoline watched as LC landed next to her. She shrieked with delight at her new stuffed animal and proceeded to hug it so hard that its remaining eye popped out.

Luckily, it was a false eye, so no real harm was done. Lame Cat was now pitifully blind, but a kind stranger came by and took him into his home, blindness, lameness, and all. Super Squirrel was secretly pleased.

Secretly Pleased Super Squirrel continued to fly. He needed help in conquering the crazy broad with the gouged out eyes. He felt better knowing that he could now use these terms for her without the fear of offending anyone like maybe a Lame Cat or something.

Super Squirrel decided PC-ness was crap. He flew on, heading to a safehouse where mass amounts of weapons were stored. Upon reaching the safehouse, he entered the password into the security system ("nuts") then walked inside.

Aisles of machine guns and shotguns greeted him. Also greeting him was his butler, Alfrdog, who welcomed him back. "Alfrdog," he said, "I'm gonna need the Squirmobile."

"Right away, Sir Spruce Squayne," he said, for that was his name. The Squirmobile pulled up shortly, looking every inch the fancy car it was. A fancy car with a bushy tail in the back, that is.

"You just waxed it, didn't you, Alfrdog?" Spruce asked, nodding appreciatively.

"How could you tell?" Alfrdog asked, concerned. "I mean, I have my pan-oh, you mean the Squirmobile? Of course, Sir," he finished.

Spruce looked over at Alfrdog with a raised eyebrow. "What else would I have meant?" Alfrdog's tail wagged nervously.

"What? Uh, nothing. My eyebrows. It's whatever. Drop it, Sir. Anyway, your Squirmobile is ready. Please leave now." Alfrdog looked around the room in a flustered manner before quickly running through the door.

Spruce snickered as he made his way to the Squirmobile. He pulled out his cell phone and called the first person on his speed dial. "Jake, I need help," were the only words he said before hanging up.

As Spruce opened the door and climbed in, he smiled to himself. Jake…Jake could help. In more ways than one, if you know what I mean.

The readers did know what the narrator meant and started fanning themselves, for the room was suddenly sweltering. This was the last place they had expected the story to go. Meanwhile, Spruce turned the radio up and rolled down the windows down as he turned out onto Acorn Drive.

Spruce started bobbing his head to the beat of the song and started singing along…"Tik-Tok" by Kesha. Guilty pleasure. During this whole time, Spruce had almost forgotten the point of all that he had done. But then he remembered Old Lady Jordan Crazy Gouged Out Eyes Broad, and his resolve hardened. He set off into the night, trying to find this severely overweight supervillain.

"Heeeeeeeaaaat of the mooooment," he began. By the second "heat of the moment," he realized that he kind of hated this song because it was always the song that greeted him on his alarm radio in the morning.

Spruce sang along to both of the songs, and rode off into the night, as stated earlier. Ten minutes later, he was pulling up to Jake's mansion. He stopped outside the gate and beeped on the intercom. "Jake, I need to see you bab-I mean, dude."

Jake buzzed him in. He pulled up to the mansion to find Jake sitting on the porch swing wearing nothing but a smile. In his dreams of course. He wore a lovely black tailored suit with a blood red dress shirt. And he was smiling.

Spruce took a minute to stare. "Bab-I mean, dude, looking good! What's the special occasion?"

"Oh, nothing, I just like dressing to complement my unbelievable sexiness. What's up, Spruce?"

"Nothing much. Just need your help with defeating this evil blind lady with no eyes. I need your assistance to…defeat her," he finished lamely. Jake leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his clasped hands as he thought thoughtfully. Spruce stared at him and realized that this could possibly be the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.

"What did you just say? Something about sexy?" Jake asked. Spruce realized that he had said that part out loud. "Nothing. I just need your help 'cause I'm a tiny little squirrel and you're a big s-"

"No need to say any more, Sprucey!" Jake interrupted. "Whatever you need, I'm your guy."

Spruce was still staring at him adoringly, causing Jake to clear his throat. "Sorry, Jake, your voice is just so deep and…yeah, so I need you to come with me for the night. We can stop and get a milkshake beforehand if you'd like," Spruce finished, coming close to batting his eyelashes.

Any normal person would have felt awkward at this exchange, but he was Jake. He walked confidently down the porch steps. "Yeah, I think I could have a chocolate shake," he said. "Will we be taking the Squirmobile?"

"Of course. Only the best ride for you, Jake." They stepped towards the flashy car and Spruce walked to the passenger side and opened the door for Jake. Chivalry wasn't dead after all.

Jake climbed into the Squirmobile and buckled up. "Safety first," he said.

"Oh, of course!" Spruce replied, buckling himself in. As he turned the car on and began to drive, he reflected on the first time he met Jake…

It was one month ago. Spruce was working a job in Lawrence, Kansas when he stopped at a diner to get some nut pie to go. There he saw a boy, nay, a man. This man was Jake. And he knew that one day he would marr-work with him and together they would team up against evil…in a totally platonic way.

Jake saw Spruce staring at him in a mildly creepy manner and averted his eyes quickly. "Do you…know that furry creature over there?" he asked the waitress, concerned.

"No," the waitress said. "Never seen that dude before." Jake thought it over for a few minutes before deciding to ignore the furry creature. Maybe he would just get his nut pie then leave. Jake picked up a fork and started eating his delicious pumpkin pie and made an effort not to look at the weirdo. Unfortunately, Spruce took that opportunity to continue staring at Jake, memorizing his perfect features. "Do you…know that sexy man over there?" he asked the waitress, intrigued.

"No, but he just asked about you, Mister," she replied with a knowing laugh.

"Really?" Spruce asked with a shy giggle. He crossed his legs and twirled a piece of fur around his finger nervously.

"Yes, really!" the waitress said, giggling. "I think you should go talk him up, babe," she suggested with an eyebrow wiggle.

Spruce started to stand up, but then sat back down in his seat quickly. "I can't!" he said, trying to stifle his giggles. The waitress giggled back and poked him. "Go on, honey!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Castiel appeared with his steaming sex stare. The hotness was too much to handle and the room exploded. But 'cause Castiel was an angel, he was able to transport Jake and the squirrel somewhere else.

Spruce and Jake thanked him profusely, but Castiel said, "Whatevs. I have to warn you. In the future…there will be an old lady with gouged out eyes…be safe…KILL HERRRRR!" And with that, he vanished. He left quite an impression.

Spruce and Jake both admitted that the dude was sexy for an angel. Soon after, however, Spruce and Jake completely forgot about him ever showing up in the first place. Which was why Spruce didn't immediately heed his warning about the gouged out eyes lady.

What Spruce and Jake did know, however, was there was now an inexplicable bond between them. Jake considered it friendship. Spruce, as he reached his hand out to brush away an errant strand of hair from Jake's face, thought that he wished his arms were longer so he could actually reach the hair that he was trying to get at. Alas, he only had tiny squirrel arms. He vowed then and there that one day he would learn to fly.

Jake saw the longing look in Spruce's eye and wondered what that was all about. "So…hey dude! What's your name?" he asked, feeling the friendly bond.

Spruce just kept staring. "He's taking to you, idiot!" he said to himself. "Reply back!" But unfortunately, he found himself momentarily struck dumb from the sound of Jake's voice.

For his voice was so deep and rumbly that it shook Spruce to his core. Forcing himself out of the daze, he replied, "Spruce Squayne. You can call me Spruce, and yours hands-uh, dude?"

"I'm Jake!" he replied cheerfully, holding out a hand to shake one of Spruce's. Spruce looked down at his short, tiny arms and then back at the hand Jake was holding out. He sighed. "Um, hey…" he said, waving at him instead.

"So…do you know how we wound up here? Last time I checked, we were at a diner and you were giving me the creep eye…"

"Creep eye?" Spruce chuckled nervously. "I don't think I did anything like that! And even if you think that's what you saw, it totally wasn't," he added, still chuckling, his voice getting higher in pitch. "You know what? Forget about it. Hey, have you seen my Squirmobile?"

"What in the world is a Squirmobile?" exclaimed Jake, choosing to ignore Spruce's weirdness.

"Ah, good," thought Spruce. "He's either choosing to ignore my weirdness or he hasn't noticed anything amiss." Spruce beamed widely and took Jake outside to show off his sweet ride.

"Holy crap, this is a sweet ride!" remarked Jake.

"I know, right? My butler Alfrdog helps me keep it clean and stuff. Want a ride?" he asked.

"You have a butler?" Jake asked, impressed. "Yes, but do you want a ride?" Spruce was persistent. He imagined the shrine he would need to have Alfrdog build around his passenger seat once Jake had sat in it.

"Oh, sure. I've always wanted to ride in a car shaped like a squirrel with a bushy tail attached to the end that probably prohibits the driver from seeing out the back window, thus causing many accidents. A dream of mine, for sure."

"You've dreamt of riding in my car?" Spruce said askingly. He was thrilled as was evidenced by the exclamation point positioned after the question mark in the question that he had asked.

"Well, not your car, per se," Jake responded per se-ingly. "Just...a squirrel car."

"Oh." Spruce replied, disheartened. "Well, hold onto your hat, fella!"

...After that extremely long and pointless flashback that Spruce just had, he realized he had no idea where he was supposed to be driving to. "Where were we headed again?" he asked Jake.

"You're supposed to take me to get a chocolate milkshake, and then we're gonna go fight that Crazy Whosie Whatsit Lady." Jake reminded him.

"Oh, right." Spruce had known all of this of course but just wanted to hear Jake say it. He would never admit it out loud but he found Jake's voice to be orgasmic. "Jake, your voice is orgasmic," he said suddenly.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" screeched Jake shockingly.

"I meant...organic. Very natural, your voice is," Spruce said quickly, looking at Jake with a pleading, suggestive stare. Because his eyes were off the road, the Squirmobile veered into a ditch.

"Whaa-" Spruce started as he woke. He realized that he was in the hospital. "You're awake!" said Jake, who was sitting right next to his bed. Spruce deluded himself into thinking Jake had stayed here all night worrying over his unconscious body. In truth, Jake had wanted a chocolate shake. And he had gotten his chocolate shake. 'Cause he was Jake fxcking Abel.

"Hey, dude! I just got here! I wanted that milkshake, so I left after I dropped you off to get it. Thank God you woke up. I didn't want to wait here forever." Jake fxcking Abel admitted.

"Oh," was all Spruce could manage. All his other words were drowned out by the sound of his heart breaking. "Yeah, I would've gotten you one too but I didn't know when you would wake up," Jake said shrugging unconcernedly.

"Oh, that's okay," Spruce said hurriedly, "I'm pretty sure my esophagus is broken anyway," he finished, coughing and choking violently.

"Mmhmm," Jake said, slightly disgusted by the squirrel's hacking coughs. "Oh! I almost forgot... you've got a visitor."

"What? Who? My mom? Alfrdog? Please don't let it be Lame Cat...not Lame Cat, dude's crazy and I think he wants me."

"Uh..I dunno if it's any of those people. Says his name's Mikey. Hold on a sec." Jake walked out of the room and returned seconds later carrying none other than ... Lame Cat.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey, hey everyone! We're back! We're also on a chapter a week schedule…but considering that we only have 3 chapters finalized right now…whatever. Hey! So, more crack!fic. I enjoy reading this chapter. It makes me laugh. Enjoy. And review if you wanna. But like I said…no flames because we are sensitive little angels. Also, if any of y'all have an account on IMDb you should come over and join us in the Adam!Squad. We're a weird bunch. As if you couldn't tell. :D**

Spruce took one look at the animal that Jake was carrying. "Oh, balls," he said.

"Super Squirrel!" Lame Cat, who was also Mikey and possibly crazy, exclaimed. This was actually quite a terrifying ordeal for Spruce, for as previously mentioned, Lame Cat had no limbs or eyes so, upon his exclamation, his tail had done a little jump while his tongue freakishly lolled out to the side.

Spruce was disgusted by the display Lame Cat was putting on. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you, my love. Except I can't see you…but I can feel your aura. By the way, who the HELL IS THIS MAN WITH YOU?" he exclaimed with jealousy marring his voice.

"This is Jake," Spruce said, sounding smug. "He's my ma-partner in crime. We f-fight evil together."

Lame Cat, who was now laying at the end of the bed, did a sort of attempt at rolling over, but couldn't fully execute the motion, so just flopped forwards on his belly, tail drooping slightly.

"But, Squirrel…you said we'd fight crime together. Us, Squirrel. US," he screeched.

Spruce backed as far away from Lame Cat as he could while lying in bed. "Uhh, dude? I just met you like yesterday. I think I've maybe said a total of five sentences to you. Plus, Jake's SUPER hot and…well, I'm a SUPER squirrel. It just fits."

"B-but…I thought we had something, Squirrel. We coulda been great. We coulda had class. We coulda been conten-oh, sorry. I just thought…"

"Back off, or I will kick you square in the taco!"

Jake decided that it might be time to intervene. He was getting more disturbed by the second. Have you ever seen a furry creature with tiny squirrel arms and a kitty with no limbs or eyes arguing? Jake didn't think so.

"Okay, Tiny and Creepy, let's stop this," he warned. Spruce's chin wobbled.

"You're on my side of this though, aren't you, Jake?" Spruce said with tears in his eyes, suddenly sounding like a four-year-old.

"Dude, why do you suddenly sound like a four-year-old?" Jake asked, his eyebrows furrowing sexily in confusion.

"God, you look so sexy when you're confused," Squirrel muttered louder than he intended. And by louder than intended, I mean he practically yelled it, pleadingly.

"Whoa, whoa! First you said that my voice is orgasmic-"

"I said 'organic,'" interrupted Spruce nervously.

"-and now," Jake continued as if Spruce hadn't said anything, "you think I'm sexy when I'm confused."

Spruce froze. "He knows," Spruce thinks. "I didn't realize I was being so obvious!" He mentally punched himself.

"I mean, I think I'm being oblivious. I mean…yeah. I didn't realize I was doing those totally unintentional things!" he yelled, shifting his eyes from side to side.

"Quit yelling, Spruce! Geez," Adam said with his hands over his ears. "Just tell me what the hell's going on. Do you…do you…like me?"

Lame Cat gasped dramatically.

"Stop gasping dramatically, Lamey!" Spruce shrieked before glancing furtively in Jake/Adam's direction.

"Um, yeah, I think you're a cool dude, with a really cool personality and a se-super ass-astute intellect," he said clumsily.

"You were about to say I have a really sexy ass," Adam said. "Stop trying to cover up for yourself, Spruce!"

"Hello, everyone!" Alfrdog said suddenly from the door. Everyone turned to look and what they saw made their jaws drop. Even Lame Cat's jaw dropped, even though he wasn't exactly sure why.

"Oh my GOD, Alfrdog! What are you wearing?" Spruce yelled.

In truth, Alfrdog was wearing nothing. But that wasn't the shocking part. Jake/Adam's jaw was slack. "You…you-" Jake was at a complete loss.

"Yes, Adam," Alfrdog said proudly, "I just had it waxed."

"But…but…you're a dog! How…why…" Jake sputtered.

"Who's Adam?" Lame Cat interjected.

"Shut it, Lamey," Spruce said, rolling his eyes.

"Why would you wax it?" Jake asked, again sexily confused. Spruce almost commented on this, but thankfully he maintained some self-control.

"You're s-Yeah, why would you do that, Alfrdog?"

"Well, Adam and Sir Squayne, simple. Aerodynamics."

"Why did he have it waxed? Somebody tell me!" Lame Cat was distressed. "I'm completely distressed! I wish I wasn't blind," he said, his mouth forming a pout that for some reason caused Alfrdog to suddenly realize how delicious a Lame Cat might be. Alfrdog's stomach rumbled loudly.

Alfrdog stumbled to the bed, for he was rather sore down there, and approached Lame Cat. "I had my mouth waxed, Lamey, climb in and feel!"

So Lamey did, and Alfrdog swallowed him whole, because without the legs, Lame was kind of ridiculously small. "Hey…you guys…where am I now?" he called from inside Alfrdog's stomach.

"Son of a bitch," Spruce sighed. "Even after he's been eaten, he's still an annoying fxck."

"You can say that again," said Jake, shaking his head.

"I can? Oka-"

"Guuuuuys! It's really dark!" Lame Cat shouted.

"Oh Jesus, Lamey. Alfrdog, I really want to kick you in the stomach right now. Why didn't you…never mind. Anyway, what the eff does aerodynamics have to do with anything?" Spruce asked, mentally taking notes.

"Hold on a sec," Alfrdog said. He started bobbing his head back and forth, sort of like a cat does when it's coughing up a hairball.

"What, uh, what are you doing there, Alfrdog?" Adam asked, backing away slightly.

Suddenly, Alfrdog was bending over and spitting Lame Cat out onto the bed.

"Sorry, he wasn't settling in my stomach well," Alfrdog explained.

"Guys…why am I wet…and smelly?" Lame Cat asked, bewildered.

Spruce ignored him and tried to remember just what was going on in this scene.

"Everybody, just ignore Lame Cat!" Jake commanded. "I think that'll be best for everyone."

"Okay, Jake," Spruce whispered reverently, staring at Jake with dewy eyes.

Alfrdog cleared his throat and said, "Well, actually, the reason he wasn't settling well was because of his taste. It was almost this Gouged Eyes Crazy Broad sort of thing," he added pensively.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Alfrdog," said Adam. "Whatever, so…I think we were talking about how you wanted to do me, Spruce. Is it true?" Jake finished, arching his sexily-shaped manly eyebrow in Spruce's direction.

Spruce pulled the blankets on the bed up to his chin nervously. Then he shouted, "YES, I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO DO YOU, JAKE!" and then burst into tears. Lame Cat was also crying over this revelation.

Jake was unsure of what to do. He looked around the room, trying not to look at Spruce. "But, you're, like…a squirrel?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Part three. Hello. Hope you enjoy. More creepiness. Yadda, yadda, yadda.**

"Well, yeah," Spruce replied to Jake anticlimactically.

"Huh," Adam also anticlimactically replied.

"So, lay on down, Adam," Spruce whispered softly.

Jake and Spruce stared at each other for a lengthy period of time.

Spruce was thinking about how much he wanted to sex Jake up, while Adam was thinking about how he could escape from the room.

"What are you thinking about, Jake?" Spruce asked in a husky voice.

"I'm thinking about how I can escape from this room," he replied.

"Oh…that's…disheartening. Look, is it because I'm a squirrel? They're just details, Jake, DETAILS," Spruce pleaded.

"Oh, God this is getting so weird!" moaned Lame Cat. "I'm just going to stay here in the background and be creepy for a while. Okay, guys?"

"Thanks, Lamey, that'll help."

Spruce and Jake continued to stare at each other with opposing emotions, when suddenly Castiel made his SECOND cameo. See that? I'm keeping track for you readers who aren't paying attention. The room was filled with white light.

"OH MY GOD, I VAGUELY REMEMBER YOU, SEXY ANGEL MAN!" Spruce cried.

Castiel tilted his head sexily.

Then, before they could say anything, Jake was a squirrel and Spruce started to cheer with joy.

"Wow, you're just as sexy as Adam," Spruce said aloud.

Castiel was bemused. Jake was slightly jealous. Spruce had cold sweats.

Jake looked at Spruce in slight shock and unexpected jealousy, but he couldn't help but agree, "Dude, you seriously are just as sexy as Adam…I mean Jake…I mean me…"

"Yes, I am," Castiel agreed.

Spruce giggled. "Weeeelll then, maybe you should stick around and we could-"

Spruce jumped out of his blankets. "Where did the sexy angel go?" he sobbed.

Before Cas had left, he had secretly turned Adam back to human. This was an experiment to be revisited later.

Spruce was sobbing on his bed, wishing the sexy angel would come back to him. Lame Cat, tired of being crazy in the background, shouted, "You're a SLUT, Super Squirrel! A SLUT, SLUT, SLUT, SLUT, SLUT!" he screeched.

Jake was confused.

Adam, freshly transformed into a human, found himself craving nuts and looked at Spruce, wondering if he might have some.

A very confused, nut-craving, newly-human Jake looked to Spruce and asked, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you have any nuts on you?"

Spruce had nuts, just probably not the kind-

Spruce didn't have any.

Spruce's doctor interrupted this nutty line of thought, running into Spruce's hospital room to investigate the increasingly high-pitched and demented shrieks of Lame Cat. "I heard lame and…slightly demented shrieking…is there…anything wrong?" Dr. Sexy, M.D. asked.

"That's just Lame Cat being lame," Spruce exclaimed. "Why do you sound like William Shatner?"

"I…was hit in the…head…by a cat…with no legs…as it bounced…off of my…daughter's…trampoline," Dr. Sexy, M.D. replied.

At this revelation, Lame Cat stopped screeching. "Ohhh, sorry about that, dude. That was me. But your daughter is fxcking crazy, just so you know."

Lame Cat resumed his demented screaming.

"Dammit! That's it!" Adam sexily sexed. He strode forward, picked up a pillow, and held it over Lame Cat's face.

Spruce stared at Jake as the tendons in his arms flexed deliciously while he suffocated Lame Cat. "Goddammit, Jake, you're so fxcking hot."

Jake was too busy killing Lame Cat to hear. He lifted the pillow and looked cautiously beneath it.

Lame Cat let out a little giggle. "For a second there, I thought you were trying to kill me!"

"OH MY GOD, LAMEY! Just die already!" Spruce yelled, tiny squirrel arms flailing.

"I can't," Lame Cat told him tellingly. "I'm integral to the plot of this story."

Spruce stared at Lamey with a disbelieving expression. "I can't believe you," he said disbelievingly.

Jake sat in a chair by the bed, shocked at what he had done. But he quickly snapped out of it, asking, "Why are we still in the hospital? Weren't we supposed to be doing something before you ran us off the road?"

Spruce rolled his eyes at Lamey. "Yeah, you're right, Jake-"

"As he always is," interrupted Dr. Sexy, sexually eyeing Adam with his eyes.

"-we're supposed to be going after that crazy whosie whatsit lady!" Spruce finished.

Adam, momentarily caught off guard by the lascivious stares, tossed his way by everyone in the room, except Lamey, who wasn't staring because his eyes were gone, but was still being creepy faced in Jake's general direction, almost missed what Spruce said.

"Whaaa…Oh yeah. We should do that. And we should leave…now," he said, slowly backing out of the room.

"Wait! Jake! Would you mind…erm…could you…carry me to the Squirmobile?" Spruce asked shyly, this time definitely batting his eyelashes.

Adam eyed Spruce warily. "How about I get you a wheelchair and push you?" he suggested suggestively.

"That would take too long!" Spruce insisted. "I insist that you carry me, pretty plea-" he added with another bat of his eyelashes, "uh, I mean, please carry me, dude."

Adam stared at Spruce defiantly for a moment, before giving in with a masculine growl. A masculine growl that caused Spruce many intensely embarrassing physiological reactions.

Spruce looked up at Adam. "Do it without the attitude, or I'll turn you back into a squirrel!"

"Yeah, right! Only that sexy angel can do that!" Adam retorted.

"I'll carry you to the Squirmobile, Super Squirrel," Lame Cat said seductively, biting his lower lip in a grotesque fashion.

Spruce took one look at Lamey's creepy gestures before saying, "Fine, I'll walk."

Spruce was sure to walk behind Jake, as the view of his ass was great from there.

If there was one word to describe Jake's ass, it would be magnificent. It was perfectly round. His blue jeans were so tight that Spruce could tell he was going commando, and that resulted in even more embarrassing feelings.

To summarize, Spruce thought Jake's ass was callipygous. His embarrassing feelings were furthered.

At last, they made it out of the hospital.

Suddenly, Lame Cat started spazzing out. "She's here!" he cried out.

Spruce wondered how Lame Cat was able to see Old Lady Jordan from across the parking lot, seeing as how Lamey had no eyes and all.

"I can smell her, guys! Let's get out of here!" Lame Cat shrieked.

"To the Squirmobile!" Adam yelled.

Adam started to pick up Lame Cat, but Spruce just yelled, "There isn't time! Leave the cat!"

Adam straightened and shrugged his shoulders, walking briskly to the Squirmobile.

Lamey decided to roll his way to the car, before somehow throwing himself into the backseat. Spruce was chagrined.

As soon as Adam climbed into the car and shut the door, Jordan appeared in front of the Squirmobile.

"RAM THAT CRAZY BITCH!" Adam and Lame Cat screamed at the same time.

And ram her Spruce did. Except she was too close to really inflict any major damage, and she sort of just rolled to the side. Spruce floored the Squirmobile and raced away from the hospital.

"Wait, weren't we supposed to fight her?" Jadam asked.

"Fight her?" Spruce asked with shifty eyes.

"Umm...yeah, isn't that why you came to get me?" Jake who was also Adam who was also Jadam said with his voice.

Spruce stared at Jake, Adam, and Jadam lustily.

"Yes, I suppose it is," he answered cryptically.

"Well, let's go do it," Jake said, climbing out of the car, running over to Jordan, and delivering a well placed kick to her shins.

"OWWW! Why'd you kick me?" an old lady squawked in distress. Adam realized that he had kicked the wrong suspicious-looking old person.

Spruce popped out the window of the squirmobile. "That's not her, you sexy piece of man-meat!"

He pointed to the other suspicious old lady sneaking up behind Adam with a crowbar. "That's her!"

Jake yelped in fear and turned quickly. Jordan was sneaking up behind him on her tiptoes, cradling a crowbar gently in her wrinkled, creepy, old-lady hands. Realizing she was spotted, she grabbed the crowbar, held it above her head, and ran at Adam, screeching like a banshee.

Adam quickly grabbed the can of mace he kept on his keys and sprayed Jordan in the face.

Jordan's eyes, earlier scratched out by Spruce's little squirrel paws, were unaffected by this stream of vengeful liquid. However, not knowing where she was going, she veered off to the side.

Jadamake Millibel shrugged his shoulders and went back to the car.

"What happened?" shrieked Lame Cat when Adamake returned to the car, for he was blind and was unable to see.

Spruce had this sudden genius idea to play the "Why do you keep hitting yourself?" game with Lamey but then remembered that Lamey did not in fact possess any limbs with which to play the game. He sulked in the driver's seat upon this realization and waited for Jakam to buckle up. Safety first. Always.

"So what are we going to do now?" asked Jadamakebel. "And is Alfrdog still with us, or did he go somewhere?"

"Alfrdog is at the Squirrel cave, which is where we're headed now," Spruce replied. "Would you like to go to the Squirrel cave, Jadamakebel?"

"Oh, yes, I'd love to enter the Squirrel cave, Spruce!" Jake replied.

Spruce batted his eyelashes wildly at Adam, making Jake revise his previous statement.

"I mean, I'd like to go with you and Lamey and open the door to the cave and step inside...let's just go."

"Come on!" Jake continued. "Let's just get the hell out of here before that creepy whoosie whatsit blind lady finds her way to the Squirmobile!"

"What's wrong with being blind?" yelled Lame Cat loudly. Spruce stopped what he was doing and turned completely around in his seat.

"Lamey? SHUT. THE. FXCK. UP!"

Adam sighed happily at this outburst. Perhaps he could fall in love with a squirrel after all.

Spruce heard Adam's happy sigh and glanced towards him hopefully.

What Jake saw, however, was a glance filled with desperate yearning and obsession. Maybe he wouldn't be able to...

Knowing he was freaking Adam out, Spruce looked away and stopped being a creeper. Adam was relieved.

Lame Cat sniffled quietly on the floor of the back seat. He had rolled into the car but nobody had bothered to buckle him in. "I can see what's happening," he thought to himself. "And they don't have a clue. They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line...our trio's down to two." Silent tears streamed down his face.

Spruce looked in the rearview mirror and saw Lamey's tears. He snickered quietly to himself.

Spruce pulled up to the safe house, otherwise known as Squirrel Cave. As they piled out of the car, they heard suspicious dance music coming from inside. What was Alfrdog doing?

As they got closer to the Squirrel Cave, the music got louder. By the time they got to the door, Adam could identify the song, and was singing along with the song. "All I know is that to me, you look like you're lots of fun. Open up them loving arms, I want some, want some."

Spruce perked up at the last line Adam sang.

As soon as the Squirmobile stopped, Jake jumped out of the car and shut the door. Spruce followed suit, leaving Lame Cat on the floor of the back seat to fend for himself.

"I can do this!" Lame Cat said to himself. "They're right to not give me special attention. I have a handicap and I need to learn to live with it." He sighed deeply. "They're such good friends."

Meanwhile, inside the Squirrel Cave, Alfrdog was telling Spruce and Adam, "I have a message for you from Old Lady Jordan."


End file.
